How can i stop my suicidle thoughts and deppresion?

i'm 13 and i live with my grandparents with my mom and autistic brother. my grandparents are never proud of me and only look at my flaws, my mom and grandparents fight constantly and theres no way out, + i dont know why but sometimes my friends problems (like drugs) get to me and end up hurting me more than them, and i'm completley in love with a guy and i'm not even sure if he cares about me but my love for him has contributed to this also. i do cut myself, and theres a gun in my house and everyday i'm afriad i might decide to pick it up. i used to go to therapy but we cant afford it now and im too afraid nto tell my mom about my thoughts, ive also thought about o-d ing on sleeping pills as an easy way to go. i know i'm too young for this but i can't stop the pain. i just need a serious answer, not some retarded one, a real one! i realy need help im not kidding.